Perfectionism is more than just striving for excellence. At its core, perfectionism is often a coping mechanism—a way to compensate for feelings of inadequacy.

It can look like setting impossibly high standards, engaging in relentless self-criticism, and striving to appear flawless to the outside world.

For women in leadership, the stakes feel even higher. You might feel the pressure to "have it all together," to avoid any appearance of vulnerability or imperfection. But what drives this relentless pursuit of perfection? It’s rarely just about wanting to do a good job—it’s usually about proving something to yourself or others, often tied to imposter syndrome or a fear of failure.

The Cost of Perfectionism in Leadership

For many women in leadership, perfectionism and imposter syndrome go hand in hand, creating a cycle of over-preparing and self-doubt.

As a woman in leadership, perfectionism might feel like the very trait that got you where you are. But the reality is, it can also hold you back in profound ways. Perfectionists often work harder and stress more, yet achieve less than they’re capable of because their energy is drained by their inner critic.

The excessive self-criticism that drives perfectionism creates hurdles that don’t need to exist. It leads to overthinking, second-guessing decisions, and spending far too much time preparing for something that others would consider "good enough." And while this behaviour may feel like the path to success, it’s more often the road to exhaustion and burnout.

My Story - From HR Perfectionist to Therapist

I know perfectionism well because I lived it. For years, I thought my relentless drive, high standards, and critical inner voice were just part of my personality. I didn’t see it as perfectionism—I saw it as being "committed" or "ambitious." I didn’t realise that I was sabotaging myself with impossibly high standards and relentless self-criticism.

When I worked in HR, I had no idea that my perfectionism was driven by a deeper belief, the belief that I wasn’t enough. I worked long hours and held myself to an impossible standard. My inner critic was like a brass band in my head, constantly reminding me that I needed to do better, be better, and appear perfect. I was aware that I was hard on myself—countless people told me so—but I had no idea why.

It wasn’t until I left HR and started my private practice that I began to unravel what was really going on.

My Moment of Clarity

A turning point came during one of the first training courses I took as a new therapist. I had signed up for an Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and Matrix Reimprinting course. I went in with the mindset that this was simply another tool to help my clients. I didn’t think I had anything major of my own to work on.

On the first day of the training, the facilitator asked everyone to introduce themselves and share what they hoped to gain from the course. One by one, people opened up about their personal struggles—addictions, past traumas, even moments when they had considered ending their lives. I sat there, horrified, wondering what I had signed up for.

When it was my turn, I confidently announced, "I’m just here to learn EFT so I can use it with my clients. I don’t have anything that needs fixing." The trainer gave me a knowing smile. At the time, I didn’t understand what he saw—but I do now.

The Breakdown That Led to a Breakthrough

Over the five-day course, it became painfully clear that I wasn’t as "together" as I thought. At some point during the training, I had an emotional breakdown. The belief that I needed to be seen as perfect rose to the surface.

I realised my perfectionism wasn’t about excellence or ambition. It was a defence mechanism, rooted in a deep-seated fear of not being good enough. It was my way of trying to feel worthy, accepted, and safe. And it had been running my life, without me even realising it.

Looking back, I can see how this belief shaped my behaviour. I set impossible standards for myself, then berated myself when I couldn’t meet them. I avoided vulnerability at all costs because being "less than perfect", especially in a corporate environment was a big no-no for me. And I exhausted myself trying to prove my worth to everyone around me.

What’s Driving Your Perfectionism?

If any of this resonates with you, be kind to yourself.  This doesn't mean you're broken or need fixing.  This simply means you've innocently created some firm ideas about who you think you are that have gone a long way in creating your identity.  But trust me, you can change your identity

When working with women in leadership I invite them to reflect on what's driving their perfectionism. Ask yourself:

• What's the upside to being seen as 'perfect'?
• What's the downside of the belief I need to be seen as perfect?
• What am I afraid will happen if I’m not seen as perfect?
• What beliefs might be shaping my behaviour?
• What message did you receive when you were younger that formed this need to prove yourself i.e. were you criticised by a parent?

Many women in leadership share a belief that they need to be perfect to succeed. This belief often stems from childhood experiences—moments when you felt like you had to perform or achieve to earn love and approval. Over time, this need to "prove yourself" can become ingrained, showing up as perfectionism in your adult life.

The Subconscious Saboteur

The tricky thing about perfectionism is that it operates below the surface. It feels like it’s helping you succeed, but it’s actually holding you back.

It can sabotage you by:

• Draining your energy with overthinking and over-preparing.
• Creating a fear of failure that stops you from taking risks.
• Preventing you from showing up authentically because you’re scared of being judged.

These patterns are often subconscious. You may not even realise how much they’re influencing your behaviour—just like I didn’t realise it during my years in HR.

Moving Beyond Perfectionism

The good news is that perfectionism isn’t a life sentence. Once you understand what’s driving it, you can begin to break free. Here are a few steps to get started:

1. Challenge Your Inner Critic: Start by being aware of how you speak to yourself and noticing what are the most habitual thoughts (or inner broken records!) you say or listen to about yourself

2. Journaling: Journal on the points above to start to challenge what the upside and downside of your beliefs are

3. Work with the Subconscious Mind to Upgrade Your Identity: These beliefs are not who you are!  And they can be changed by working with the unconscious and superconscious mind.  Check out my Empowered Women in Leadership Blueprint to begin your transformation.

A Final Thought

Perfectionism might feel like it’s helping you succeed, but it often does the opposite. It keeps you stuck in a cycle of self-criticism, exhaustion, and fear. The first step to breaking free is understanding what’s really driving it.

My journey taught me that perfectionism isn’t about doing your best—it’s about trying to fill a gap inside. When you begin to address that gap, you can step into leadership with authenticity, confidence, and ease. And that’s when you truly shine.