Emotional Intelligence Training for HR Leaders Starts with Rewiring Your Identity

Burnout in HR leadership often stems from unaddressed imposter syndrome and the hidden need to prove worth. Emotional intelligence training must go deeper, rewiring old beliefs and helping women lead from clarity, not fear. 

For many women in leadership positions, there is an invisible force that drives them forward while simultaneously holding them back. These women are ambitious, accomplished, and passionate about their careers.

Yet, beneath their success lies a gnawing sense of inadequacy, an inner voice that whispers, “You’re not good enough,” no matter how much they achieve. This internal conflict is known as the double bind, a psychological paradox that often manifests in high-achieving women as imposter syndrome.

Understanding the Double Bind - The “I Want It, But” Paradox

A double bind is a psychological situation where an individual is faced with two conflicting demands or expectations, and whichever course of action they choose, they cannot escape criticism or failure. In the case of high-achieving women who struggle with imposter syndrome, the double bind often takes the form of an “I want it, but” paradox:

• “I want to be successful, but I don’t believe I deserve it.”
• “I want to lead, but I’m afraid I’ll be exposed as a fraud.”

These conflicting internal messages keep women stuck in a cycle of striving for success while constantly questioning their worth and competence. The very thing they desire—recognition, leadership, success—becomes a source of anxiety and fear.

This paradox drives them to work harder, overprepare, and aim for perfection, all while feeling that no amount of effort will ever be enough.

The Psychology Behind Double Binds

The roots of the double bind can often be traced back to early experiences and societal conditioning. From a young age, many women are taught conflicting messages about ambition, leadership, and femininity:

• Be ambitious, but not too ambitious.
• Be confident, but don’t overshadow others.
• Be successful, but stay humble.

These contradictory messages create an internal conflict between wanting to achieve and feeling like they are stepping outside their “acceptable” role by doing so. As they grow and enter professional environments, these double binds become more entrenched.

The more successful they become, the more they fear that they don’t belong in leadership roles. This psychological tug-of-war leads to the development of imposter syndrome, where women question their abilities, dismiss their accomplishments, and live in fear of being “found out” as frauds.

How Double Binds Are Created

Double binds arise when there is a perceived discrepancy between one’s identity and the external expectations placed upon them. For high-achieving women, the creation of a double bind often occurs in environments where their success is praised, yet societal or internalised norms dictate that their success must be earned through self-sacrifice, perfectionism, and humility.

Here are some common ways double binds are created:

1. Conditioning from Childhood and Adolescence: Many women grow up with contradictory messages from parents, teachers, and society. They are encouraged to excel academically and professionally, but they are also subtly (or overtly) taught that they must not appear “too confident” or risk being seen as arrogant. This early conditioning creates an internal narrative of conflicting desires: to be seen and valued while avoiding the judgment of others.

2. Gender Stereotypes in the Workplace: In many professional settings, women leaders are expected to walk a tightrope between being assertive enough to command respect but not so assertive that they are seen as aggressive. They must balance competence with warmth and approachability, often leading to a constant effort to manage perceptions rather than focusing solely on their performance. These external pressures reinforce the internal double bind of “I want success, but I’m afraid of how others will perceive me if I go after it.”

3. Perfectionism and the Need for Validation: High-achieving women often develop a perfectionistic mindset as a way to cope with the double bind. They believe that if they can just “do it all” perfectly—work longer hours, overprepare for meetings, achieve flawless results—they will finally feel worthy of their success. However, this perfectionism only feeds into the imposter syndrome, as no achievement ever feels sufficient to quiet the inner critic.

How Double Binds Keep Women Stuck

Double binds are insidious because they create a no-win situation. No matter what choice is made, the individual feels trapped, which results in several psychological and emotional outcomes:

1. Paralysis by Overthinking: Women caught in the double bind often find themselves overanalysing every decision, afraid that any misstep will confirm their deepest fear—that they are not competent enough. This overthinking leads to decision fatigue, where every choice becomes a source of stress and doubt.

2. Fear of Visibility and Exposure: The double bind exacerbates the fear of being “found out.” Even as they climb the corporate ladder, women may avoid taking up too much space, sharing their opinions, or stepping into the spotlight. They feel that visibility brings the risk of exposure—that others will realise they don’t truly belong in their leadership role.

3. Emotional Exhaustion and Burnout: The constant push-pull between wanting success and feeling undeserving of it takes a toll on women’s mental and emotional well-being. Over time, the pressure to meet impossible standards and the fear of failure can lead to burnout, anxiety, and a sense of disillusionment with their careers.

Breaking Free from the Double Bind

Breaking free from the double bind begins with awareness. You need to recognise the paradox you're trapped in before you can start to dismantle it.

Here are key strategies to help break the cycle:

1. Rewriting the Narrative: Begin to challenge the conflicting messages you've internalised by creating new, empowering narratives about your worth and leadership abilities. This involves recognising that your success does not need to be earned through overwork or perfectionism and that you're deserving of your achievements simply because of who you are.

2. Processing Emotional Trauma: Many of the beliefs that fuel the double bind are rooted in past experiences of rejection, failure, or trauma. Healing these wounds through approaches like EFT Tapping Therapy, Hypnotherapy and MAP (my favourite for processing trauma without the need to talk about it!) can help you release the emotional baggage that keeps you stuck in a cycle of proving yourself.

3. Regulating the Nervous System: The pressure of the double bind puts the body in a constant state of stress. Learning to regulate the nervous system through practices like breathwork, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), and Quantum Flow helps you operate from a place of calm, confidence and clarity.

4. Cultivating Self-Compassion: One of the most powerful ways to dismantle the double bind is by cultivating self-compassion. When you learn to treat yourself with kindness and acknowledge you're enough just as you are, the grip of imposter syndrome begins to loosen.

5. Shifting from Proving to Leading: True leadership doesn’t come from a place of proving oneself but from a place of embodying self-worth. When you break free from the double bind, you can step into your leadership role with a new sense of ease and authenticity, inspiring those around you without the need to constantly prove your value.

Conclusion

The double bind between high achievement and imposter syndrome is a paradox that keeps many women leaders stuck, constantly striving for success while doubting their worth. Understanding the psychological roots of this double bind and how it manifests is the first step toward breaking free from it. By rewriting your internal narratives, processing past trauma, and cultivating self-compassion, you can shift from a mindset of proving to one of embodying your true worth—leading not from fear, but from authentic confidence.

"My sessions with Sara have been life-changing. Throughout the process, Sara has created an environment that made me feel safe to be vulnerable, to explore my trauma and empowered to learn and develop myself. Sara has a wealth of knowledge and experience that enabled me to trust and embrace the techniques that she introduced. I have left feeling strong, resilient, clear on my vision going forward and confident that I can make that vision a reality."

Why I Created HR Alchemy: For the Women Leading from the Front

This double bind between high achievement and imposter syndrome is exactly one of the reasons why I created HR Alchemy.

Because too many brilliant women in HR leadership are holding it all together on the outside—delivering, caring, managing, leading—while inside, they’re fighting a silent battle with self-doubt, perfectionism, and burnout.

HR Alchemy isn’t your typical HR leadership development program.

It’s emotional intelligence training designed specifically for women in HR who are ready to break free from the limitations of their thinking and lead from a place of calm, clarity, and deep self-trust.

If you're tired of constantly proving yourself…
If you secretly wonder when someone’s going to tap you on the shoulder and tell you you're not meant to be here…
If you're done with the burnout cycle, the overthinking, and the never-enough narrative...

Then this is your moment.

Let’s rewire what’s running the show—together.
HR Alchemy will show you how to shift from surviving to leading with confidence, emotional sovereignty, and ease.

👉 Book a powerfully honest clarity call now and let’s talk about how HR Alchemy can transform the way you lead—from the inside out.